Abstract:

As Ellen Berg packs up her classroom at her middle school for the final time, she reflects on the leadership opportunities she has had and other things she feels grateful for in what has been a a challenging situation.

Berg, E. (2005). What I learned the hard way. Teacher Leaders Network diaries. Retrieved from the Teacher Leaders Network 11 Apr 2008. Link: http://www.teacherleaders.org/old_site/diaries04_05/EB18_04_05.html

Full Text:

What I Learned the Hard Way

Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from
--"I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw

A lot of things have happened since I wrote last. I sold my house, packed up my cats, and drove nearly 2000 miles to relocate in California. I quit my job in St. Louis and accepted a new teaching position in a charter school in San Diego. I exchanged one life for another.

This past year was a rough one for me. I struggled with bad policy and a negative school and district climate, and those negatives overshadowed the positives for the bulk of the school year. While I had often made a pros and cons list to help me decide whether to renew my contract with Turner Middle School, this year I reached the "tipping point" where it was clear I could no longer be happy or effective in that position. So I packed up my truck and I moved to Beverly...err, San Diego, that is.

I had expected to feel joy, elation, relief and any number of "Thank goodness this is over with!" emotions at the close of the school year, so it was a surprise when I felt genuine sadness as the year ended. I sat in my classroom on my last day and cried, deep sobbing tears. It was in that moment that I could clearly see all the little things from my time at Turner Middle that have made me the teacher and human being I am today. I am proud of my accomplishments and of who I have become, and like it or not, I owe a huge chunk of that to Turner.

In the end I have no regrets, no bitterness about my time at Turner. How could I? If I trade off all of the bad experiences I had, I change dramatically, and who knows what kind of a teacher I would be then? Would I have become the effective teacher I am today? Would I now be looking forward to my dream job? Would I even have taken the risk to fulfill my dream of moving to San Diego? There is no way to know the answer to those questions, but I think it is fair to say I would be altered significantly.

So, yes, no regrets. I think the lesson in this for any of us dealing with roadblocks, conflict or negativity in our own situations is to be mindful that these situations are developing us in subtle ways. We have to be aware of the power of our situations so we can decide the path our development takes and when it is time to remove ourselves from a situation so we can avoid a path that might harm us. In the thick of things, however, in the cloud of emotion and stress, it is sometimes difficult to see clearly. It is for that reason I am recording my thoughts for future reference.

In the end, I am thankful for my time at Turner Middle. Some of the things I am thankful for are:

    • Having the opportunity to work with and learn from kids from impoverished backgrounds. I saw firsthand how talented, special, and wonderful these kids and families are. Not better, not worse, just different. My experiences with these kids have given me compassion, empathy, and an understanding of some of the larger problems of poverty.

    • Being able to take risks without fear of reprisal. For the most part, I had a lot of freedom to try new things and work my ideas out. In the early days I might have labeled this as "hands off" or "disinterested" administrating, but being on my own did give me a sort of liberation to find out what worked for my kids.

    • Developing a sense of myself as a leader. I was thrust into leadership positions very early in my career, something that would probably not have happened in a different school. While I had great responsibility, I also had the opportunity to reshape my thoughts on leadership and work outside of my official framework to assist colleagues and learn from them.

    • Creating collaborative relationships with colleagues. I learned what true collaboration is and how it can impact student achievement. I discovered what works and what definitely doesn't when it comes to collaborating, and I have learned that authentic collaboration takes time to grow.

There are many more particulars—too many to list. However, I am most of all grateful that I can sit here at the end of an awful year and see goodness instead of badness. I could not move into a new situation untainted unless I was focused on the positives.

And so I am moving on, to a new school, new colleagues, and new students in a new city to see what I can learn next. While I expect great things and many positives, I know there will be times I will need to return to this entry to remind myself that, cliche or not, there is a silver lining in every cloud. Wish me well.

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